Second Edition: I have started editing posts from several years ago and reposting them. I am doing this for two reasons: (1) to make them more easily available and (2) to “spruce” them up a little. Enjoy!
…choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve… But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD (Joshua 24:15)
There is the dilemma that comes from being in two families. All believers who are children of God and members of God’s family are members of earthly families as well. Earthly families are very complex because, besides the simple family of father, mother, and children, there is the issue of extended family: grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, and in-laws. In some way, each person is a member of all these family combinations. Each parent, each grandparent, and each in-law had a family of origin. Each of these family units had its unique set of “In this family, we ______.” Let us pause for a story to illustrate the impact of these family standards and traditions.
This story takes place in 2018 in England and relates to the marriage of Prince Harry and an American woman, Meghan Markel. I personally have not had much interest in following the adventures of the royal family, but I have noticed many headlines about “errors” that Meghan Markel had made in what she said or the clothes she wore. However, I did look more closely at one of these articles. What I discovered was that she had made an indiscretion by painting her fingernails a color. Apparently, the proper protocol for women in the royal family is not to have colored fingernails. Those of us looking on may think this is pretty petty, but family rules are family rules.
We may chuckle at this story, but each person has a maze of expectations based on “In this (earthly) family, we ____” that come from multiple sources. Let us analyze this with an example. The person I will create for our example is a forty-year-old married man. He will have received “In this family, we ____” messages from many sources. Follow along as we explore them. He will have received “In this family, we ____” messages from his family of origin, his mother and father. He will have received “In this family, we ____” messages from both his maternal and paternal grandparents. He will have received “In this family, we ____” messages from his wife based on the “In this family, we ____” messages she received from her parents and her maternal and paternal grandparents.
The intensity of the “In this family, we ____” messages is increased by the degree and frequency of contact with these extended family members. It is not hard to imagine that the “In this family, we ____” messages from such a variety of sources may sometimes conflict. For instance, what was common practice in his family of origin may be forbidden in his wife’s family of origin.
So, the question becomes: to which “In this family, we ______” message does this poor fellow yield? In-law jokes have some basis in personal experiences. Some family members may put great pressure on others to yield to their “In this family, we ____” messages. You can see that it could become difficult to sort out how and when to comply.
Since is about God’s family, why have I developed all this “stuff” about earthly families? I am guessing that you have figured out the answer. The “In this family, we ____” expectations for God’s children do not always match the “In this family, we ____” expectations of earthly families. This is the dilemma.
Ideally, if the members of the extended earthly family were all believers and had committed their lives to the “In this family, we ____” expectations of God’s family, there could be a great hope for harmony and little conflict. What are the chances? Yet there would still be a dilemma even if this proposed possibility of all members being committed to “In this family, we ____” expectations of the Lord were true because each member of the extended family is still a sinner in their flesh. Each believer is left with the task of addressing the conflict between the “In this family, we ____” expectations that come from their earthly extended families and the “In this family, we ____” expectations for the Lord’s children that are revealed in Scripture. The transformation through a renewing of the mind in each believer is a process that is in progress, contributing to our dilemma.
Let us pause and address a factor that has been implied but probably not clearly addressed. Whether we are talking about earthly families or Spiritual families, there is an expectation of obedience or compliance with every “In this family, we ____” message. There is also the consideration that failure to obey or comply will have some kind of consequence. That consequence may be severe. The severity could include punishment, expulsion, rejection, shunning, withdrawal of affection, loss of status, or loss of membership. (Quick point: In the Lord’s family, there is no danger of loss of membership or loss of affection.)
To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved (Ephesians 1:6 KJV).
It is important to recognize that when we comply or obey, we have acknowledged the existence of authority. We have acquiesced or surrendered to this authority. This is not necessarily bad. If the authority we are acquiescing to is the Lord, it is a good thing. If the authority is the earthly family system, it may be good or bad.
Let us insert here an example of authority from a story in Scripture.
There a centurion’s servant, whom his master valued highly, was sick and about to die. The centurion heard of Jesus and sent some elders of the Jews to him, asking him to come and heal his servant. When they came to Jesus, they pleaded earnestly with him, “This man deserves to have you do this, because he loves our nation and has built our synagogue.” So, Jesus went with them. He was not far from the house when the centurion sent friends to say to him: “Lord, don’t trouble yourself, for I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. That is why I did not even consider myself worthy to come to you. But say the word, and my servant will be healed. For I am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, ‘Go,’ and he goes; and that one, ‘Come,’ and he comes. I say to my servant, ‘Do this,’ and he does it.” When Jesus heard this, he was amazed at him and turning to the crowd following him, he said, “I tell you, I have not found such great faith even in Israel.” Then the men who had been sent returned to the house and found the servant well (Luke 7:2-10).
The centurion recognized how authority works, and he also recognized that the Lord Jesus had authority. Jesus commended the centurion for his faith in the authority of Jesus. “I tell you; I have not found such great faith even in Israel.”
This story shows us that when a person submits to authority, that person is doing what the authority orders. “‘Go,’ and he goes; and that one, ‘Come,’ and he comes. I say to my servant, ‘Do this,’ and he does it.” I suspect that most of us do not really understand how authority works, even though we frequently submit to it.
Let us take a little sidebar here and look at Romans chapter 6. Another word for comply or obey is the word yield. I am going to list some verses from this chapter where the word yield is used. Sometimes the word yield indicates what should be yielded to, and other times it is used to indicate what not to yield to. Think about this matter for the word, yield.
Neither yield ye your members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin: but yield yourselves unto God, as those that are alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness unto God (Romans 6:13 KJV).
Know ye not, that to whom ye yield yourselves servants to obey, his servants ye are to whom ye obey; whether of sin unto death, or of obedience unto righteousness? (Romans 6:16 KJV).
I speak after the manner of men because of the infirmity of your flesh: for as ye have yielded your members servants to uncleanness and to iniquity unto iniquity; even so now yield your members servants to righteousness unto holiness (Romans 6:19 KJV).
Let us look a little closer at the act of complying or obeying. Generally, we have a belief or faith that the authority knows best or is right. The exception may be if our compliance has been coerced by fear or intimidation. However, by faith, we assume that submission is the best and right thing to do. This is a safe assumption if the submission is to God. Interestingly, we may not be very aware of an actual willful decision on our part to comply or obey. Why is that?
Remember, we are members of an earthly family unit. Someone before our time made decisions about what fills in the blank for “In this family, we _____.” By the time we came along, the “In this family, we _____” had become part of the status quo. In other words, in this family, this is the way things are done. We were never given a say in establishing the expectations. Unless we choose to be rebellious, we just “go with the flow.”
One of the natural experiences of being part of a group is the development of “groupthink.” Since everyone in the group thinks alike, the thinking is reinforced and left unquestioned. Compliance is assumed, and lack of compliance is addressed by correction. Compliance seems easy, convenient, and appears to be safe.
So, what is the motivation for obedience or compliance? Let us look first at our earthly family. In light of our earlier discussion about consequences for noncompliance or disobedience, we must conclude that one motivation could be the negative motivation of fear. However, often the reward of being accepted and belonging is a powerful motivator for compliance. It feels good to be on the inside and bad to be on the outside.
Love and respect can be a positive motivator for obedience. A desire to honor others and be respectful is another positive motivation. Generally, within the family context, the perceived reward for compliance and obedience to the earthly family expectations outweighs the pull to be non-compliant or disobedient. Can you sense the pressure to comply in your family?
We cannot leave this discussion without addressing the motivation of those who are sending the message of expectation with the desire for earthly family members’ compliance. There are two parties in these transactions: you and them. We examined your motivations for compliance, and now let’s look at theirs. Thinking positively, we will assume that mostly their motivation is based on their concern for your best interests in safety and prosperity. But the bottom line is, either consciously or subconsciously, they want you to be like them. They want to make you in their own image. Aha!
Look at the significance of this “aha” when we think of being a member of the Lord’s family. First of all, by the act of creation, God chose to create mankind in His own image. When sin entered into God’s creation in the Garden of Eden, the image became marred. God’s solution was to rescue mankind by sending Jesus Christ to die on the cross as a payment for the sins of mankind. Because God is Holy, the debt (penalty) of sin needed to be paid.
Since mankind was created in the image of God, mankind has free will. This free will is what allowed sin to happen in the first place. God mercifully offers salvation and re-entrance into God’s family with the offer to be born again given to whosoever will come. The goal of the Lord’s “In this family, we ______” is to change His children into the image of Christ.
Let us look at our Spiritual family. Since the fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding (Proverbs 9:10), we cannot rule out fear of consequence for noncompliance or disobedience to the Lord’s, “In this family, we_______.” There is clearly a loss of blessing for not being compliant or obedient because we know there is a reward (blessing) for being compliant and obedient. One of those rewards, according to this verse, is knowledge of the holy (God). However, earlier, we mentioned that love is the common characteristic in the Lord’s “In this family, we_______.” “If you love me, keep my commands (John 14:15). I would conclude that a desire to show love for the Lord and to the Lord and to please Him is the proper motivation for the Lord’s children to comply and obey. We love because he first loved us (1 John 4:19).
What else could contribute to the dilemma? We have looked at the pressure in our earthly families for compliance and obedience to many, mostly unwritten, messages coming from a variety of family members. Could there be more? What about friends and associates? What about peer pressure? All of these relationships seem to have rules or guidelines connected with membership. Hence, “In this friend group, we ______” tends to happen.
Again, these rules or requirements are not generally written, but compliance is linked to belonging. We have the issue of “in-group” and “out-group.” We have all experienced these pressures. If the expectations are positive and productive, this may not be much of a problem. However, if the expectations are negative and nonproductive, this is a problem. Have you heard of gangs? Can you sense the pressure?
All earthly families are set in a culture. Individual family members may be set in several cultures. Cultures have norms. These norms are really expectations of “In this culture, we_____.” Membership in a culture carries with it the expectation of compliance and obedience. A person can be a member of several cultures at once. Some cultures even have uniforms. The media is a major player in culture. In both news and advertising, the media is trying to influence us. The place of employment has a culture. Have you heard of workplace culture? Can you sense the pressure?
Let us discuss norms a little more. With the use of the word “norm,” I am sure you are thinking it means what is normal, right? I teach courses in classroom management for teachers, and one of the recommended practices is to clearly establish classroom norms for student behaviors. Whenever I taught a face-to-face class, I established norms in the first session. Similarly, the recommended practice for leading a professional development seminar is to establish agreed-upon norms and write them down for the group at the very beginning of the session. With adults, this can be handled as a group discussion to set agreements about acceptable behavior. These can be very mundane things: turn off cell phones or set them on vibrate, leaving for the restroom, etc., or they can be behavioral: no sidebar conversations while someone else is talking or simply talking one at a time. You can see that establishing norms can create stability and enhance productivity. Norms are meant to be followed by members of the group. Can you sense the pressure?
We are not through yet. Most earthly families live in a community. You guessed it! Communities have a culture. As members of a community, people are exposed to “In this community, we ______.” Status as a good citizen of the community may be based on compliance and obedience. Have you heard of HOAs? Can you sense the pressure?
Another example. Most earthly families are citizens of a governmental entity. For most Americans, this consists of the city, county, state, and federal governments. Many of their expectations are in writing and are recognized as ordinances, regulations, and laws. Compliance is expected and there are consequences for noncompliance. The result is “In this governmental entity, we______.” Have you heard of police and courts? Can you sense the pressure?
One more source of influence and messages for most people is their educational experience. The schools we attend and their teachers have provided messages about expectations for attitudes and behaviors. The teachers function from a position of authority, and students are a captive audience. Compliance with what is taught is expected. Students are tested because they are expected to know what was taught. Can you sense the pressure?
Wow! As we set out to solve the dilemma between the earthly family’s “In this family, we______” expectations and the Lord’s “In this family, we______” expectations that we encounter in this world, we can grasp the magnitude of the dilemma. To be clear, when I refer to the earthly family’s “In this family, we______” expectations, you understand this phrase is representative of not only the messages and expectations of our family of origin but also includes the whole package of influencers. The milieu of the family of origin, extended family, peers, friends, community, culture, government, and schools is complex, convoluted, and confusing. This milieu is often identified in Scripture as the world. The choice to prefer and comply with the Lord’s “In this family, we______” creates an unavoidable confrontation with the earthly family’s “In this family, we______” expectations.
I am sure that I have not included all categories of influencers, and perhaps you can think of others. We have already mentioned that these sources are not necessarily in agreement. What about those who have the family name but do not seem to demonstrate family characteristics? What about family members who are estranged and disloyal? Of this we can be sure, they too are shaping your and my perception of who we are as individuals.
All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™